Stuck but thankful

You are stuck nowhere to go and just be still in one place.
Stuck in this empty space and feeling cold in the darkness.
Yelling back and forth like little kids - say sorry first.
That noise that you hear each day that you can't even leave and where you can't even say please stop.
Not a little kid anymore and you know better to control and not talk back, but sometimes triggers arise where you just talk back and that's where the misunderstandings happen.
Surroundings with piles of piles of papers, and it is time to throw them away.
Just stuck where there's no interaction and silence like you don't even know each other.
Where do you even start a conversation? Just saying hi and bye and here's food.
Looking at each other, not even knowing what to say.

You want to run and have peace of mind but you are stuck.
You want to clean but you don't even know where to begin.
Stuck like glue because this is your home and this is what you know.
You don't have nowhere to go and you can't support yourself by yourself.
You want to be on your own but how.
The feeling on your own and want to experience that.
Stuck in being messy where your mind is just overwhelmed with ruminating thoughts.
Embarrassment, questions after questions of when are you going to clean.
When are you ready? Are you just lazy or deep inside the feeling of like being stuck in this dark space?
The mixed emotions of up and down, not knowing where to go and how to communicate.

Even though you are stuck, you have a shelter where you sleep while other people sleep on the dirty streets.
You have food to eat while other people are starving.
You have a comfortable bed where you can have a good sleep and rest.
You have a place where you can keep yourself warm.
You are surrounded by people that are your relatives while some people are alone.
Maybe it's through actions and not words when people show that they care, giving you food.
It might be tough love.
The laughs to brush it off in what is happening but there are also laughs that are shared through moments spend time together.
Thankful to stay healthy and be inside to save lives.
Gotta respect your elders no matter what they say and you only got to say okay and no talking back no matter how much you want to.
No matter how much you feel stuck, the wait will be worth it and be patient. But for how long though?
Things happen for a reason and think differently in a way where positivity is inside and it will be around the universe too.
Smile, be grateful, and look, smell, and hear, and taste what is inside your home and what truly matters that is happening right now in front of your eyes.
Be strong together and be understanding because you never know what someone else is going through and everyone has their own challenges.
Stuck but thankful. One day everything will change and you start the change within you.
One step at a time and have that vision of taking action.
Stuck but thankful and one day you will be free like a bird.

Volunteering/Civic Engagement

I started volunteering when I was in high school. My high school required us to do 100 hours of community service and that's when I learned what volunteering was. I volunteered at Mission Girls Program where I did my school to career internship when I was 16. This is when I started working with kids too. In high school, I volunteered for Glide too and that was my first experience in packing sandwiches for the homeless. 

Then when I was in college in 2008-2009,  I went to an event called Filipino Americans for Obama kick off event and their volunteer coordinator were looking for volunteers so I signed up. I volunteered in doing phone banks, and whatever else they needed help on. This was my first time being part of civic engagement and learning about politics. I got to meet a lot of people. 

In 2010, when I got laid off from my job, I volunteered at UCSF at their child specialist program and I learned a lot about how it was like volunteering at a hospital. It felt great doing art activities with the children, and make them feel as normal children even though they were hospitalized. I met really nice people there and it was a good experience. I volunteered at UCSF for a year or so. UCSF is a good hospital. 

In 2011-2012, I volunteered for Rob Bonta's campaign through KAYA Filipino Americans for Progress and this was my first time,. learning to knock on doors. Knocking on doors, I learned how to speak to people but at the same time it was nerve wrecking. Also, we did a bunch of drop lits too in supporting candidates in the city for Steve Ngo and David Chiu. Also, through the years, I voluntered at Pistahan and was in the table for Kaya Filipino Americans for Progress. Also, in 2012, we went to Las Vegas and knocked on door for President Obama's election that year. I also went to California Convention and that was an awesome experience and that's when I was became officially a MaSquad. 

In 2015, I started volunteering for One Brick Organization. What I liked about One Brick is that there was no commitment and you just choose which event in their calendar you want to volunteer for. I did different volunteering activities with them which was a lot of fun. I volunteered at the Food Bank, Glide, Anthony's foundation, and Precita Clean up through them. 

In 2016, I volunteered for Fiona Ma's kick off fundraiser event and that was a lot of fun because I haven't volunteered for a while. Then from july 2016 until election day in November, I volunteered for Marjan Philhour's campaign and my friend Melissa's campaign. This was such an amazing, fun, and busy experience. I learned so much about District 1 and District 9 that I never knew before. I met so people who became my friends now and who I learned so much from. I learned more about local politics. I learned to be so well rounded, going to debates, writing post cards, doing phone banks, knocking on doors, and so much more... Campaign was my life for 4 months. It was such a good feeling to help out. Also, did visibility. It truly gave me a purpose in my life and learned things I never knew before. December 2016, I started interning at Fiona Ma's office and until now, it's been awesome and learning so much. I want to keep improving and gain skills. 

This year, January from now, I have been part of Bay City Beacon in taking photos, doing beacon events calendar, and hidden gem. I also volunteered for United Democratic Club and took some pictures of their politics 101. I enjoy volunteering because I like helping people and it is very rewarding. With volunteering, I am exploring what career is for me and it gives me an experience for a future job that I might be applying for. I will continue in volunteering and hopefully with all these volunteering, I will have a good and stable job from it. Volunteering is my hobby too and I enjoy meeting new people and learning from them. When it comes to volunteering too, I am stimulating my brain and I am learning something new everyday. It is good exploring different things while I am volunteering. I am also learning about myself and learning from other people. I love volunteering a lot and I think I will continue in volunteering when I have time and as long as I can do it too. I look forward in helping with campaigns next year too. 

Cooking and Photography

So many things I love to do in my life that I can't even focus in one thing and what career I am going to pursue after all my treatments are done and when I am fully recovered.

Cooking:

I love cooking. Cooking is so relaxing and calming to me. I love combining different vegetables together and combining spices. I like looking at recipes when I get a chance and when I have time to cook something new and get inspired and motivated to get better at my cooking. Even though I do love cooking, I get lazy to do it too because sometimes I tend to cook the same thing. I enjoy posting what I cook at my instagram. When I have time to plan. I write things down on what I need to buy for grocery shopping but I also like doing the other way around where I pick what vegetables I want to eat and experiment of what dishes to make. Healthy cooking is important. I have always wanted to learn how to cook when I was 16, but I didn't really started cooking when I was 21. When I was diagnosed with my cancer in 2014, that's when I learned how cook healthy and I tried out so many different recipes and I love cooking for my friends too. I love Peruvian food a lot and I taught myself how to cook Peruvian food. I have to keep learning how to cook a variety of food to get better at it. 

Photography: 

When I was in high school I did an after school program for photography but I don't remember how often I went and what I learned. All I can remember was that I was interested in photography. I remember I wanted to have an old camera and I didn't want the digital cameras and everything. I don't know why I didn't take photography in college. I guess I was busy with my major classes that I didn't think in taking photography back then but I did take yoga, and a fitness class for fun. In 2010 my brother bought me a point and shoot camera and that was my first camera ever. I took so many photos. I took photos wherever I went like festivals, friend's birthdays, family get together, and etc... Then my camera broke in 2013, and I used my cell phone's camera. I didn't have an actual camera for almost 3 years. I still took a lot of pictures in my phone. For my 30th birthday, my brother bought me a camera and I was so happy. It was another point and shoot. It was so awesome and I loved it so much. I love how it was a canon. Since I had that camera, I continued in taking photos and I enjoy it a lot. When I became a part of Bay City Beacon Newspaper, I took photos of the Muslim Ban Rally at SFO and from there, I started taking photos of rallies, and events. I am lucky to have this opportunity to be the photographer of Bay City Beacon. There are a lot of things I have to learn about photography and I am only a beginner. I like taking photos of landscapes, and hidden gems around the city, Taking portraits were fun too and I need to get better at that. I hope to take photography class at city college once all my treatments are all done. I have to learn how to edit photos too. 

To be continued.... have to talk about: volunteering, civic engagement, fitness/health .. etc... 

Who am I? page 3

I was in 8th grade, my mom was diagnosed with cancer. I don't remember how I felt and I didn't know how to react. Did I even know what cancer was back then? I don't think so...  All I can remember my mom had clots of her period and it was so heavy. I remember how it fell down the floor and I needed to clean it. When she went to the doctor, that's when she found out she had uterine sarcoma. When my brothers and I found out, we cried a lot and we were sad. I went to some of her chemo appointments, and I remember sleeping at one of her appointments in the waiting room. She had good doctors. I don't remember if my grades got affected but all I can remember I visited her in the hospital. I remember not going to Lowell's high school open night visit. My mom was so strong. She lost her hair, she wore a wig. She beat it once in her first diagnosed and she was in remission for 5 years. I don't remember how I handled it when my mom had cancer. I remember though we had the Virgin Mary here in the house and we did the novena together. Maybe my mom shared a lot of her thoughts and feelings to my older brother or to my aunts because she didn't show us how she was really feeling and she was fighting it and she handled it so well. It's so weird how I don't remember. Isn't bad of me to not even remember this? I wish I did a better job in taking care of her. I wish I had a better relationship with her. Looking back now, I could have shown her my love so much more. I feel like I was a bad daughter because I talked back and I was selfish. Was I already selfish when I was in 8th grade? The clash of point of views, the generation gap, and the culture were the things that were difficult for us to agree on. But now growing up, I see where my mom was coming from and how being a single parent was so tough. She was so protective because she wanted what was best for me and my brothers. I thanked for everything that my mom have done for me and I wouldn't be the person I am today without her.

life is so beautiful and it's a challenge,
the best gift to give someone is your time,
family and friends are so important and they make you smile, quality time is the best,
appreciating your breath, the air that you smell, the blue sky, the waves of the ocean, your blanket that keeps you warm when you are cold at night. It's the little things you appreciate that matters.

Who am I? page 2

Middle School:

I was in 6th grade and I still felt fat but I ate chocolate chip cookies all the time during lunch time... even one of my classmates knew that I didn't eat much and was kind of worried about me... maybe this was the beginning when I didn't eat that much rice... if only I ate during this time, maybe I could have been taller, and my brain would have function better and I could have been smarter and not be so slow in comprehending things. so much damage... low-self esteem, and confidence but I didn't know what I was doing to myself during this time... I didn't know anything about health...

I was in 7th grade and  during lunch time, I sat down by the fence watching boys running and playing ultimate frisbee. I felt alone sometimes even though I did hang out with a few friends. Either I was outside or I was in the library. I didn't know where to fit in or be part of a group. I didn't understand where this feeling of being left out was coming from. I didn't understand why there was this dark feeling. Did I feel sad during this time? What made me sad? How did I even do well with all these emotions I couldn't understand? Kind of weird how I had a dark feeling but at the same time, some of my classmates thought I was boy crazy... I watched ultimate frisbee because 2 boys I had a crush on were playing all the time. Then making a comment by saying someone has nice eyes, everyone thought I liked one of the teachers... Yea I guess I was boy crazy and  I was such a weird kid.. weird in a way where I talk to my classmates, but then I also felt so far away from them. Like I felt left out.. I played kick ball too during lunch time..  we had our homeroom kickball team. I remember I dropped the ball while trying to catch it  and some of classmates got mad at me.. some of us were competitive and some of us, maybe we didn't care. I think I was in the middle. I enjoyed kicked ball and it was fun when my homeroom team won some games but then I also felt I wasn't a good player.... I wanted to be in track but then my mom didn't let me. That was tough. I played basketball in fifth grade during lunch time but I didn't play any basketball in middle school during lunch time... maybe there was this insecurity that I wasn't good enough and the other kids were so much better.. insecurity that no boys like me either. where did all these insecurities come from anyway?

This is not done yet... To be continued.......................................

Who Am I?

8/26/2017
Who am I? Who was I used to be? Who was I back then? Who am I now? Who do I want to be? Who do people think I am? What are the expectations of who I am? Who will I be in 10 years? What vision do I see who I want to be? What vision do I see who I am I truly and who is the real me?

I was 8 years old  when I left the Philippines and moved to the United States with my mom and my brothers, not knowing how to speak English, who threw up while flying in the airplane for the first time, and seeing family members who I haven't met before. I was the little girl who said Putang Ina Mo (Fuck You)  to another student and got sent into the office. I didn't know how to communicate to that another student. I don't even remember what really happened and I cussed the student out in Tagalog.  After that day, I never got into another fight in my life through out my school year because I did not want to get in trouble and it was embarrassing. Another embarrassing moment of a cotton being stuck in my nose, how did I even do that as a kid??? It got stuck there and it smelled... I remember one student said that something smelled... Oh I don't even remember how I got it out..

I was 9 years old, and I went to a road trip with my Tita Chu to New York... my best first summer in being in the United States - the tall buildings, the Statue of Liberty, riding the ferry, going to Dourney Park, and staying at my aunt's place. ...  Oh New York was hot like I fell in love.... went to Staten Island too. Oh Dourney Park with the water rides, it was a lot of fun but I got scared riding the other rides but I still rode it with my cousin Camille. Walking in the mall, my aunt saw something in my skirt... "What is that red thing on your skirt???" I was 9 years old so what would I know what it was... Oh my gosh, I got my period.... I didn't panic.. I just put the pad in my underwear and listened to what my aunt told me to do. I enjoyed New York so much. Who knew I was going to leave the east coast???? I cried so much, not wanting to leave, not wanting to leave my friends, and I was adjusting living in Washington DC... August 1995, my parents separated and a whole new life, moving to San Francisco....

I was in fifth grade and I was like one of the guys. I played basketball and I enjoyed it so much. I was called fat....Fat, this image that someone thought of me... How could I be fat??? I took it in.... What did I do??? I skipped lunch... I ate so little.... The damage that I did to myself - my growing body wasn't growing anymore because I did not give the right nutrients... maybe this is why I didn't grow taller... I didn't know what I was doing to myself... but this image that brought down my self-esteem... the insecurity that I never felt before and maybe during that time, I was thinking how could I be skinny so I won't be fat....

To be continued and this is what I have so far in  this piece ... this is not done yet and I will continue tomorrow... !!!!