life is so beautiful and it's a challenge,
the best gift to give someone is your time,
family and friends are so important and they make you smile, quality time is the best,
appreciating your breath, the air that you smell, the blue sky, the waves of the ocean, your blanket that keeps you warm when you are cold at night. It's the little things you appreciate that matters.
Monday, August 28, 2017
Who am I? page 2
Middle School:
I was in 6th grade and I still felt fat but I ate chocolate chip cookies all the time during lunch time... even one of my classmates knew that I didn't eat much and was kind of worried about me... maybe this was the beginning when I didn't eat that much rice... if only I ate during this time, maybe I could have been taller, and my brain would have function better and I could have been smarter and not be so slow in comprehending things. so much damage... low-self esteem, and confidence but I didn't know what I was doing to myself during this time... I didn't know anything about health...
I was in 7th grade and during lunch time, I sat down by the fence watching boys running and playing ultimate frisbee. I felt alone sometimes even though I did hang out with a few friends. Either I was outside or I was in the library. I didn't know where to fit in or be part of a group. I didn't understand where this feeling of being left out was coming from. I didn't understand why there was this dark feeling. Did I feel sad during this time? What made me sad? How did I even do well with all these emotions I couldn't understand? Kind of weird how I had a dark feeling but at the same time, some of my classmates thought I was boy crazy... I watched ultimate frisbee because 2 boys I had a crush on were playing all the time. Then making a comment by saying someone has nice eyes, everyone thought I liked one of the teachers... Yea I guess I was boy crazy and I was such a weird kid.. weird in a way where I talk to my classmates, but then I also felt so far away from them. Like I felt left out.. I played kick ball too during lunch time.. we had our homeroom kickball team. I remember I dropped the ball while trying to catch it and some of classmates got mad at me.. some of us were competitive and some of us, maybe we didn't care. I think I was in the middle. I enjoyed kicked ball and it was fun when my homeroom team won some games but then I also felt I wasn't a good player.... I wanted to be in track but then my mom didn't let me. That was tough. I played basketball in fifth grade during lunch time but I didn't play any basketball in middle school during lunch time... maybe there was this insecurity that I wasn't good enough and the other kids were so much better.. insecurity that no boys like me either. where did all these insecurities come from anyway?
This is not done yet... To be continued.......................................
I was in 6th grade and I still felt fat but I ate chocolate chip cookies all the time during lunch time... even one of my classmates knew that I didn't eat much and was kind of worried about me... maybe this was the beginning when I didn't eat that much rice... if only I ate during this time, maybe I could have been taller, and my brain would have function better and I could have been smarter and not be so slow in comprehending things. so much damage... low-self esteem, and confidence but I didn't know what I was doing to myself during this time... I didn't know anything about health...
I was in 7th grade and during lunch time, I sat down by the fence watching boys running and playing ultimate frisbee. I felt alone sometimes even though I did hang out with a few friends. Either I was outside or I was in the library. I didn't know where to fit in or be part of a group. I didn't understand where this feeling of being left out was coming from. I didn't understand why there was this dark feeling. Did I feel sad during this time? What made me sad? How did I even do well with all these emotions I couldn't understand? Kind of weird how I had a dark feeling but at the same time, some of my classmates thought I was boy crazy... I watched ultimate frisbee because 2 boys I had a crush on were playing all the time. Then making a comment by saying someone has nice eyes, everyone thought I liked one of the teachers... Yea I guess I was boy crazy and I was such a weird kid.. weird in a way where I talk to my classmates, but then I also felt so far away from them. Like I felt left out.. I played kick ball too during lunch time.. we had our homeroom kickball team. I remember I dropped the ball while trying to catch it and some of classmates got mad at me.. some of us were competitive and some of us, maybe we didn't care. I think I was in the middle. I enjoyed kicked ball and it was fun when my homeroom team won some games but then I also felt I wasn't a good player.... I wanted to be in track but then my mom didn't let me. That was tough. I played basketball in fifth grade during lunch time but I didn't play any basketball in middle school during lunch time... maybe there was this insecurity that I wasn't good enough and the other kids were so much better.. insecurity that no boys like me either. where did all these insecurities come from anyway?
This is not done yet... To be continued.......................................
Saturday, August 26, 2017
Who Am I?
8/26/2017
Who am I? Who was I used to be? Who was I back then? Who am I now? Who do I want to be? Who do people think I am? What are the expectations of who I am? Who will I be in 10 years? What vision do I see who I want to be? What vision do I see who I am I truly and who is the real me?
I was 8 years old when I left the Philippines and moved to the United States with my mom and my brothers, not knowing how to speak English, who threw up while flying in the airplane for the first time, and seeing family members who I haven't met before. I was the little girl who said Putang Ina Mo (Fuck You) to another student and got sent into the office. I didn't know how to communicate to that another student. I don't even remember what really happened and I cussed the student out in Tagalog. After that day, I never got into another fight in my life through out my school year because I did not want to get in trouble and it was embarrassing. Another embarrassing moment of a cotton being stuck in my nose, how did I even do that as a kid??? It got stuck there and it smelled... I remember one student said that something smelled... Oh I don't even remember how I got it out..
I was 9 years old, and I went to a road trip with my Tita Chu to New York... my best first summer in being in the United States - the tall buildings, the Statue of Liberty, riding the ferry, going to Dourney Park, and staying at my aunt's place. ... Oh New York was hot like I fell in love.... went to Staten Island too. Oh Dourney Park with the water rides, it was a lot of fun but I got scared riding the other rides but I still rode it with my cousin Camille. Walking in the mall, my aunt saw something in my skirt... "What is that red thing on your skirt???" I was 9 years old so what would I know what it was... Oh my gosh, I got my period.... I didn't panic.. I just put the pad in my underwear and listened to what my aunt told me to do. I enjoyed New York so much. Who knew I was going to leave the east coast???? I cried so much, not wanting to leave, not wanting to leave my friends, and I was adjusting living in Washington DC... August 1995, my parents separated and a whole new life, moving to San Francisco....
I was in fifth grade and I was like one of the guys. I played basketball and I enjoyed it so much. I was called fat....Fat, this image that someone thought of me... How could I be fat??? I took it in.... What did I do??? I skipped lunch... I ate so little.... The damage that I did to myself - my growing body wasn't growing anymore because I did not give the right nutrients... maybe this is why I didn't grow taller... I didn't know what I was doing to myself... but this image that brought down my self-esteem... the insecurity that I never felt before and maybe during that time, I was thinking how could I be skinny so I won't be fat....
To be continued and this is what I have so far in this piece ... this is not done yet and I will continue tomorrow... !!!!
Who am I? Who was I used to be? Who was I back then? Who am I now? Who do I want to be? Who do people think I am? What are the expectations of who I am? Who will I be in 10 years? What vision do I see who I want to be? What vision do I see who I am I truly and who is the real me?
I was 8 years old when I left the Philippines and moved to the United States with my mom and my brothers, not knowing how to speak English, who threw up while flying in the airplane for the first time, and seeing family members who I haven't met before. I was the little girl who said Putang Ina Mo (Fuck You) to another student and got sent into the office. I didn't know how to communicate to that another student. I don't even remember what really happened and I cussed the student out in Tagalog. After that day, I never got into another fight in my life through out my school year because I did not want to get in trouble and it was embarrassing. Another embarrassing moment of a cotton being stuck in my nose, how did I even do that as a kid??? It got stuck there and it smelled... I remember one student said that something smelled... Oh I don't even remember how I got it out..
I was 9 years old, and I went to a road trip with my Tita Chu to New York... my best first summer in being in the United States - the tall buildings, the Statue of Liberty, riding the ferry, going to Dourney Park, and staying at my aunt's place. ... Oh New York was hot like I fell in love.... went to Staten Island too. Oh Dourney Park with the water rides, it was a lot of fun but I got scared riding the other rides but I still rode it with my cousin Camille. Walking in the mall, my aunt saw something in my skirt... "What is that red thing on your skirt???" I was 9 years old so what would I know what it was... Oh my gosh, I got my period.... I didn't panic.. I just put the pad in my underwear and listened to what my aunt told me to do. I enjoyed New York so much. Who knew I was going to leave the east coast???? I cried so much, not wanting to leave, not wanting to leave my friends, and I was adjusting living in Washington DC... August 1995, my parents separated and a whole new life, moving to San Francisco....
I was in fifth grade and I was like one of the guys. I played basketball and I enjoyed it so much. I was called fat....Fat, this image that someone thought of me... How could I be fat??? I took it in.... What did I do??? I skipped lunch... I ate so little.... The damage that I did to myself - my growing body wasn't growing anymore because I did not give the right nutrients... maybe this is why I didn't grow taller... I didn't know what I was doing to myself... but this image that brought down my self-esteem... the insecurity that I never felt before and maybe during that time, I was thinking how could I be skinny so I won't be fat....
To be continued and this is what I have so far in this piece ... this is not done yet and I will continue tomorrow... !!!!
Friday, August 25, 2017
why did i even stopped writing..... 8/25/2017
I don't know why I stopped writing... Did I stopped writing because life got busy??? Did I stopped writing because xanga shut down and all the things I wrote from 2002-2010 are all gone and I cannot retrieved it.. Did I stopped writing because I didn't know how anymore... I just got busy in college from 2004-2009 and I was just so in love that I didn't make time to write.... here I am starting a new blog... I have made new blogs before but I never kept at it. I typed but I didn't continue and go on. I was busy working and being a preschool teacher it took a lot of me... Maybe I was tired of writing or maybe I didn't know how to express my feelings. I started a caringbridge website when I was first diagnosed with cancer in 2014 and I typed in there on and off. I hope with this new blog I am doing, I will consistently type and express my feelings. I would like to write again, improve my writing, write poetry again, and writing has helped me express my feelings and it was a really good and positive outlet for me in high school. I'm writing again because I saw my 11th grade English teacher on Tuesday and she inspired and motivated me to write. I need to find the poems I wrote in high school. I love how she said that I was a writer... Somehow I will get back in my writing and this is only the start. I'm glad my friend Lisa told me to start a new blog and now I am just typing away here.. hahaha. Whatever comes in my mind I will start typing it here and it doesn't matter how long it is.
This week has been so awesome but today I had tears in my eyes because my cousin JR passed away. Monday to Thursday, it was so just amazing. Monday, I got to see the eclipse with Genevieve, Gloria, and Noah. It was so fun taking pictures and I even shared my glasses too so my other friends can take a look of the eclipse. Tuesday, I got to see my 11th grade English teacher and I love how she is still so active and I cannot believe she is 73 years old. She made me smile and I shared with her about bay city beacon newspaper and how I am their staff photographer. Wednesday, I had my pet scan and I got to see my friend and his photos are really good. He is a very talented and amazing photographer. I went to my intern and I got my results from my pet scan. It was very good news and I shared it with my family and friends. They were so happy. GOD is so good. I'm really lucky to have all the people in my life. I finally got to pick my glasses. Genevieve and I had a small dinner: heirloom salad, and clam chowder. Genevieve is so nice and I love her so much. Thursday, it was my friend Victor's filing for San Francisco City College Board and I took pictures for that. I enjoy and love taking pictures. I am glad that it turned out good. I got to know more about him. Today, I had my pulmonary function test and bone marrow biopsy. The bone marrow biopsy hurt more than usual. While it was hurting, I meditated and kept saying GOD give me strength and courage and GOD take care of me. While the bone marrow biopsy was happening, my oncologist and I were having a conversation. I was talking about what I have doing and he was asking questions like if I have been camping and going hiking. He even asked me to send him my favorite picture and I ended up sending him links of my photos at bay city beacon. Going home, it was nice to relax and take a nap. I haven't done that for a long time. Then I saw what my older brother posted about my cousin Kuya JR. Around 1:30pm today, I started thinking about him, and my tears started falling from my eyes. I was really crying. I was thinking how young he was since he is only one year older than me. I started thinking the last time I saw him and what we used to do when we were younger. Even though we weren't closed and we were far away from each other, when I was younger, we had good memories together from what I can remember. We used to play chinese checkers, pretended to be power rangers, played egg hunt at his house, and times we hung out at his house. He was very smart too. It was nice to listen to music too today. I vented to my friend lisa how I think I haven't let go of what happened with xanga and I can't believe until this day I'm still talking about it. I used to be such a good writer and then when xanga ended, I stopped writing. I am glad my friend Lisa told me to start a new blog and here I am, having a new blog. This is the start of my writing, getting back into writing at age 31.... This will stimulate my brain and writing is for good for you. I have to work on my grammar too. Don't overthink and I will type whatever comes to my mind each day. One step at a time and do what I can. here is to writing and it will be good to practice. The more I do it, the more I will get better at it. well take care and have a good night.. this is all I have to say... One love, one life, live, laugh, and love...
This week has been so awesome but today I had tears in my eyes because my cousin JR passed away. Monday to Thursday, it was so just amazing. Monday, I got to see the eclipse with Genevieve, Gloria, and Noah. It was so fun taking pictures and I even shared my glasses too so my other friends can take a look of the eclipse. Tuesday, I got to see my 11th grade English teacher and I love how she is still so active and I cannot believe she is 73 years old. She made me smile and I shared with her about bay city beacon newspaper and how I am their staff photographer. Wednesday, I had my pet scan and I got to see my friend and his photos are really good. He is a very talented and amazing photographer. I went to my intern and I got my results from my pet scan. It was very good news and I shared it with my family and friends. They were so happy. GOD is so good. I'm really lucky to have all the people in my life. I finally got to pick my glasses. Genevieve and I had a small dinner: heirloom salad, and clam chowder. Genevieve is so nice and I love her so much. Thursday, it was my friend Victor's filing for San Francisco City College Board and I took pictures for that. I enjoy and love taking pictures. I am glad that it turned out good. I got to know more about him. Today, I had my pulmonary function test and bone marrow biopsy. The bone marrow biopsy hurt more than usual. While it was hurting, I meditated and kept saying GOD give me strength and courage and GOD take care of me. While the bone marrow biopsy was happening, my oncologist and I were having a conversation. I was talking about what I have doing and he was asking questions like if I have been camping and going hiking. He even asked me to send him my favorite picture and I ended up sending him links of my photos at bay city beacon. Going home, it was nice to relax and take a nap. I haven't done that for a long time. Then I saw what my older brother posted about my cousin Kuya JR. Around 1:30pm today, I started thinking about him, and my tears started falling from my eyes. I was really crying. I was thinking how young he was since he is only one year older than me. I started thinking the last time I saw him and what we used to do when we were younger. Even though we weren't closed and we were far away from each other, when I was younger, we had good memories together from what I can remember. We used to play chinese checkers, pretended to be power rangers, played egg hunt at his house, and times we hung out at his house. He was very smart too. It was nice to listen to music too today. I vented to my friend lisa how I think I haven't let go of what happened with xanga and I can't believe until this day I'm still talking about it. I used to be such a good writer and then when xanga ended, I stopped writing. I am glad my friend Lisa told me to start a new blog and here I am, having a new blog. This is the start of my writing, getting back into writing at age 31.... This will stimulate my brain and writing is for good for you. I have to work on my grammar too. Don't overthink and I will type whatever comes to my mind each day. One step at a time and do what I can. here is to writing and it will be good to practice. The more I do it, the more I will get better at it. well take care and have a good night.. this is all I have to say... One love, one life, live, laugh, and love...
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