Who Am I?

8/26/2017
Who am I? Who was I used to be? Who was I back then? Who am I now? Who do I want to be? Who do people think I am? What are the expectations of who I am? Who will I be in 10 years? What vision do I see who I want to be? What vision do I see who I am I truly and who is the real me?

I was 8 years old  when I left the Philippines and moved to the United States with my mom and my brothers, not knowing how to speak English, who threw up while flying in the airplane for the first time, and seeing family members who I haven't met before. I was the little girl who said Putang Ina Mo (Fuck You)  to another student and got sent into the office. I didn't know how to communicate to that another student. I don't even remember what really happened and I cussed the student out in Tagalog.  After that day, I never got into another fight in my life through out my school year because I did not want to get in trouble and it was embarrassing. Another embarrassing moment of a cotton being stuck in my nose, how did I even do that as a kid??? It got stuck there and it smelled... I remember one student said that something smelled... Oh I don't even remember how I got it out..

I was 9 years old, and I went to a road trip with my Tita Chu to New York... my best first summer in being in the United States - the tall buildings, the Statue of Liberty, riding the ferry, going to Dourney Park, and staying at my aunt's place. ...  Oh New York was hot like I fell in love.... went to Staten Island too. Oh Dourney Park with the water rides, it was a lot of fun but I got scared riding the other rides but I still rode it with my cousin Camille. Walking in the mall, my aunt saw something in my skirt... "What is that red thing on your skirt???" I was 9 years old so what would I know what it was... Oh my gosh, I got my period.... I didn't panic.. I just put the pad in my underwear and listened to what my aunt told me to do. I enjoyed New York so much. Who knew I was going to leave the east coast???? I cried so much, not wanting to leave, not wanting to leave my friends, and I was adjusting living in Washington DC... August 1995, my parents separated and a whole new life, moving to San Francisco....

I was in fifth grade and I was like one of the guys. I played basketball and I enjoyed it so much. I was called fat....Fat, this image that someone thought of me... How could I be fat??? I took it in.... What did I do??? I skipped lunch... I ate so little.... The damage that I did to myself - my growing body wasn't growing anymore because I did not give the right nutrients... maybe this is why I didn't grow taller... I didn't know what I was doing to myself... but this image that brought down my self-esteem... the insecurity that I never felt before and maybe during that time, I was thinking how could I be skinny so I won't be fat....

To be continued and this is what I have so far in  this piece ... this is not done yet and I will continue tomorrow... !!!!